BURGETTSTOWN, Pa. — The mosh pit at a concert by popular metal band Pantera doubled as a team-building activity for local police officers, disgusted sources…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,”…
LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind…
WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex…
BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening…
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report. “I don’t…
CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still…
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources…
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unlikely favorite to make it to next year’s Super Bowl, while…
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Nu-metal band Deranged found themselves the pariah of their local scene for failing to misspell their band name, sources report. “I wish…
BIRMINGHAM, England — A large number of the attendees of Black Sabbath’s upcoming reunion show at Villa Park announced their plans to yell “Crazy Train”…
LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — Recently deceased grandmother of six Dorothy Roddenbury selfishly had a funeral on the same day Anthrax was scheduled to play at City…